10 things you should never say to a mom with lots of kids
When you have a gaggle of kids, it’s impossible to go anywhere without a bazillion random strangers stopping you to ask you personal questions. I mean, some people just get all. up. in. your business. Asking about birth control, labor, how many baby daddies you have, etc. You name it, I’ve been asked it, I swear. While I know most people are genuinely curious, it gets old after, I don’t know, 5 people stopping you before you’ve crossed three items off your shopping list. It’s like I have a big ass neon sign over my head screaming PLEASE, STOP ME AND ASK ME TWENTY QUESTIONS ABOUT MY FAMILY AND PERSONAL LIFE! So without further ado, here’s a list of my top
annoying favorite questions that I get asked when I’m out just trying to get some tampons and milk. With a little bit of snark thrown in, just for fun. 😉
10. Are they all yours?
No way! I just picked some random kids up off of the side of the road that were walking to school. I promised them candy as long as they would walk around the store with me so random people can bombard me with questions.
9. No I mean, did you have them all?
If you mean did they all come out of my body, then yes. They did. ALL SIX OF THEM. From my vagina.
8. Are any of them twins?
No they’re not twins. Thanks for reminding me that I was crazy enough to spend 10 years of my life growing babies in my body and now my bladder and boobs are totally ruined. Now, would you kindly direct me to the wine and beer section so I can purchase copious amounts of booze to drown my sorrows?
7. I bet you’re busy huh?
Really? You think I’m busy? No effing way. Those little turds have pretty much been on their own since day one. I’ve got too many bon-bons to eat to deal with needy children all day.
6. Don’t you know what causes that?
Well, see here’s the thing. When I was a kid my parents always taught me to find something I was good at and stick with it. So I did. I’m dedicated like that yo. (I have ACTUALLY said this one. It was the best. feeling. ever. to see the look on their face. I was a server and it was a table of customers I served while 8 months pregnant.)
5. Are you going to have any more?
I don’ t know, I keep trying for a unicorn and it just hasn’t happened yet. Maybe I’m doing something wrong.
4. How do you do it?
Do what? Breathe? Hula hoop? Drive a car? Oh, you mean keep my kids alive, right? I drink a lot. Like all the time. And I just put out food in their doggie bowls and let them fight for it while I sit back and drink wine and watch youtube videos all day.
3. Wow, how do you afford all of them?
Whorin’. I mean, I have six kids so I’m obviously good at the sexy time. So I figured, why not put those talents to use and make some fat bank?
2. Did you plan to have so many kids?
Again, I was trying for a unicorn, or at least a pony. Because my craptastic parents never got me one.
1. How do you ever get anything done?
Thanks for reminding me how much I fail every single day at getting things accomplished. No, I don’t get anything done. Are you asking because it’s obvious that I haven’t showered or washed these pants in two weeks?
Now, where was the alcohol aisle again? 😉
On a MUCH more serious note, please think before you open your mouth to ask strangers questions about their personal life. You don’t know if those children with that mom were just taken in as foster kids in an emergency situation, or if that mom is struggling to keep from losing her home, or if she just suffered a miscarriage and this is her first trip out to try and regain some sense of normalcy. Those things really aren’t anyone else’s business, so be kind and just smile and wish her a wonderful day instead. 🙂
It would be fun to use these smartass answers just once though. Lol!
Want more absurdity? Check out my funny crap, err, posts category! Or for a shortcut, check out some of my favorites below:
What your toenail polish says about you <– I made a purty picture for this one! Woohoo!
When I’m not boozin’ it up, you can find me drinking coffee. Lots of it. At least I’m regular, lol.
What’s on today’s agenda? Oh, explain oral sex to my 8 year old? Well that sounds just marvelous!
What happens when you take a 5 year old into the dressing room with you? You leave the store with a bag over your head.