Yesterday I shared my favorite ways to clean your house for the holidays. Well, how to make it look cleaner when you don’t have much time and you really hate to clean is probably a more accurate description. Because that’s what I’m good at, lol. Today though, I’m getting down to the nitty gritty and talking about what you can do when you just don’t feel like cleaning at all.
Grab a notepad and pen, or open up your fave app for taking notes and get ready to get schooled on the Art of House Disaster Deception: Holiday Edition. Because sometimes, you just need to pull out your bag of tricks.
Six tricks to disguise your dirty home during the holidays
These babies are sticky, which means you can put them anywhere! Don’t have time to wash the boogers off the wall beside your 3 year old’s bed? Bowdazzle that shit yo! Messy counters from all the food gifts you’ve been slaving away over for days? Bow. Dazzle. It. Blue toothpaste spit spots on the bathroom mirror? BOWS. Because bows are awesome y’all!
Throw some wreaths around, it’ll look festive and tah-dah! It’s not dirty anymore! Dirty dishes can’t be dirty when they’re too busy being festive y’all. It’s a fact. Can’t find a wreath big enough? Use some green garland and bows, that’ll make everything look wreath-onably clean for sure!
Okay, I know everyone hates this crap as much as you hate Easter grass. It gets everywhere, just like sand in your ass crack at the beach. I get it. But that my friends, is the beauty of it! It’s EVERYWHERE so you can cover EVERYTHING that’s a mess! And no one will think anything of it, because a) tinsel is shiny; and b) it’s supposed to be everywhere, because it’s effing tinsel and that’s how it works people! Would you rather listen to your mother-in-law harp on you about how dirty your house is for four hours, or possibly still be picking some pieces of tinsel out of the lint trap and cracks of the couch in February? I think the choice is pretty obvious here.
4. Curling ribbon
It’s shiny, it’s curly, it’s multi-colored! Nothing says festive holiday fun like piles of curling ribbon! You’ll have those piles of clutter looking like fancy presents in no time when you spruce them up with holiday ribbons!
Who doesn’t love garland? Especially when it’s the shiny colorful kind? I mean, you can’t go wrong with shiny! Use it to decorate the dirty laundry pile, the clean laundry pile, the cluttered counter tops, even the dog! It’s like a beautiful work of art, transforming the disastrous mess into delightful holiday decor.
6. The super-mega-I-drank-too-much-eggnog-and-forgot-to-bathe-my-kids-and-do-the-laundry disguise
Sometimes you just don’t have time for everything, and you need to pull out the big guns. Everyone will be so busy ohhing and ahhing over how adorably holiday-ish your kids look, they won’t even notice that you forgot to wash their clothes and give them a bath! Don’t they look so festive and cute?!
There you have it folks! Six tricks you can use to turn your disaster zone home into a winter wonderland! Knock it out today and you can kick back and use that extra time to enjoy another glass of wine!
Want more absurdity? Check out my funny crap, err, posts category! Or for a shortcut, check out some of my favorites below:
What your toenail polish says about you <– I made a purty picture for this one! Woohoo!
When I’m not boozin’ it up, you can find me drinking coffee. Lots of it. At least I’m regular, lol.
What’s on today’s agenda? Oh, explain oral sex to my 8 year old? Well that sounds just marvelous!
What happens when you take a 5 year old into the dressing room with you? You leave the store with a bag over your head.